It’s interesting being a homeschool mom sometimes. You guilt yourself into feeling like you’re not enough or spread too thin to give each child the nurturing, love, and attention they need to succeed.
Then add your own college into the mix along with all the responsibilities of being a mom and wife and, at moments there are just those nights where the inner questions won’t stop…
Is it really the best time to go back to school?
Am I missing out on their childhood?
Do I take advantage of the time I have with my kids because I’m with them pretty much all the time?
I’m not going to lie and say it’s easy, and as crazy as it sounds, I’ve even attempted to find part time work from home as well.
There are countless times I’ve felt like I was carrying the responsibilities of everyone on my shoulders, balancing a stack of fine china ever so carefully, like the world is just waiting to witness me miss a step, and for it all to come crashing down.
I am more than tired and somedays I’m literally sick because I’m a nervous wreck that something will go horribly wrong with this supposed castle I’m constructing.
Is it enough?
Are the building materials steady enough to hold up to life’s ever-changing weather?
Am I instilling good values despite the junk my kids have witnessed (and yes we monitor very closely) through media outlets and other places?
Why do I have to constantly explain why the world chooses such dark paths and why in the world does everyone expect me to always take on more responsibility?
Tonight as I’m watching a Hallmark Christmas movie, of all things, I’m reminded of something very near to my heart. My kids have witnessed me, their mother, loose her precious Daddy unexpectedly six years ago. My heart was ripped wide open and my kids witnessed that very intimately, more than I ever cared for them to. I still remember asking my sweet five year old if he had any questions as he stared at his Papaw Ron lying in a casket, because I didn’t want one moment of this tragedy to go unprocessed. It was horrifying.
But, they have also witnessed me begin and continue college even through sleepless nights, tears, and endless housework. They’ve seen me on the days I couldn’t even bear to look at them without tears in my eyes because I was in a very, very dark season after loosing my Dad. But, they have also seen me pick up and carry on with life too. I’ve walked somedays with tears in my eyes, but I have continued on my journey and I am happy to say I am very much in the land of the living.
I’ve wanted to throw in the towel on college, homeschool, and a dream of working from home. But, I haven’t because there is a much, much more incredible picture at play here. Much bigger than you or I could ever begin to see.
There is a beautiful picture being painted in your life too and a fantastic story being written but, it is only the beginning, and trust me when I say you must keep letting God pen it. Don’t you dare cause Him to put His pen down because you are afraid, worried, sad, or lonely.
Jesus extended a hand of great mercy toward me during my moments of unbearable grief and has given me a push of grace to move forward with a vision of my Daddy nodding in approval. I cannot and will not move forward without any of this. My kids, my husband, my family, my Jesus, my friends, and the legacy of my father push me daily, and I’d be so lost without all these precious reminders of why.
If you’ve supported me in prayer or in any way the past six years or so, I just want to say how eternally grateful I am for our relationship. Keep being a light to those around you and don’t ever stop. Your words of encouragement to someone might just be what pulls them up from a raging sea of doubt and worry.
My journey has and will continue, only by the grace of God…
“I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the LORD.” Psalm 118:17