Here’s My Heart Lord…

Have you ever felt like the burdens and heart ache of this world are so heavy upon your chest that you are struggling for your own breath? Life becomes painful to even live. Day in and day out is a struggle that you don’t look forward to.

I’ve been there recently.

I hate to admit it, but, I feel like I was trapped in my own grief and self-made anxiety for almost three years. My ability to see beyond some things stole my zeal for Jesus, my joy and my peace. It wasn’t until a few months ago that I realized I was letting the enemy rob me of so much. The enemy had taken something I felt I had a right to be upset over, then he twisted and misconstrued it into something very ugly and unrecognizable.

I found myself in the midst of this absolute discontentment with God. It was a disappointment so strong it was almost anger or hatred. I disconnected from God in some ways because of this.

Sure, loosing my Daddy has been probably the hardest path I’ve had to travel up to this point. But, how could I a “head over hills in love with Jesus girl” ever be angry with God? Not to mention the fact that I had become so scared of the world around me. Fear had over taken me to the point that anxiety attacks were becoming a familiar visitor. Sleepless nights and nightmares of my father gasping for air stole my restful sleep too often. I felt smothered by all of this darkness, trapped in a self-made prison of lies that no one around me was safe and catastrophe could strike at any moment. It was debilitating.

No one could free me with the exception of One. All along I knew this, I know Jesus held the key, yet I ignored His voice for sometime due to my deep disappointment. He wanted so much to free me. But, I barred His voice out and turned up the volume on the voice that opposed His word. It was easy to disregard Him, so, I sat in my miserable, dark cell of fear and depression for too long.  I had snatched away my heart God (in a sense) and ran away holding it like a scared little child. Afraid He would take someone or something else from me. Not trusting that although one of my worst fears had become a reality that He still cared and He didn’t cause any of this mess.

But, at some point I woke up from my slumber of darkness to find that all Jesus wanted from me was my heart again.

Every single jagged, aching piece of it.

I gave it back to Him, knowing deep down He needed it so He could mend it like only He could. I tried to let others put me back together but, no one succeeded except Jesus. No one could give me that joy and freedom like He could. My zeal for living was found in Him in the first place and always would be. The testament to why I’m not in a mental hospital or dead on the street from drug overdose is in Him.

Jesus is the key and the mender to all broken hearts. The ability to hold my broken heart in trembling hands and give it back to My Father took more strength that I ever knew I had but, it has been what I needed all along. Jesus is still working in me, I’m far from perfection but, I’m glad to be a work in progress. To loose hope and peace is to live in utter darkness.

So, I would say to you today if you are struggling to look up. Give your heart back to the True Heart Mender, He won’t fail you. You can try as you may to look to someone else, but, He will be The One that will guide you into light once again. Look no further than Jesus Christ.

 

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” Psalm 34:18

 

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