A lot of people don’t understand my walk with Jesus. I guess that is normal since we all live different lives and each are on a path unlike the other. Maybe the reason some people think it’s foolishness to have a relationship with Jesus is because they have yet to hit a point in life where they are in such desperate longing for a higher power.
Whatever the reason though, I have to believe that at some point in life we all start to feel that deep deficit within us. Why? Because we were created with a purpose and that purpose is for our very existence to glorify our Creator. Thinking along these lines and reflecting these past few days has led my pen to paper once again because I have a story to tell. My hopes are that it will serve it’s intended purpose and help others see Jesus Christ, The Hope of Glory for Who He really is.
2006 was a glorious, yet horrendous year for me. I began my life journey with my God-ordained soulmate Joshua in March. Soon after we were surprised to find out we were expecting our first child. The day we found out I stood, back against the bathroom wall, sliding all the way to the floor sobbing my eyes out, because I was a nerve wrecked kid who had no idea what to expect. I wasn’t ready to be a mom at all. But, as the months went by and the nervousness wore off, my husband and I began to get very excited about welcoming our baby girl into the world.
That happiness faded when we discovered our unborn child had died for no apparent reason. This took place a day before the Thanksgiving holiday that year. So, much to our dismay we found ourselves in the hospital delivering our “sleeping” baby girl on Thanksgiving Day. Before it happened, we had already decided on what her name would be. Kara Beth seemed a perfect fit since Kara meant “pure” and Beth was short for Bethel meaning “house of God”. The whole situation seemed like a cruel trick to me. As we all do when tragedy strikes, I questioned all my actions and if I’d done something wrong to cause it. I was a healthy young woman and even my doctor was baffled by our Kara’s death.
We were in a state of shock the day of the graveside service, reality had set in by that time. Honestly, I don’t remember much during that period of time, but I do know the words spoken were beautifully articulated by a wonderful minister and mentor friend of ours who had also performed our wedding ceremony.
Eventually, my grief began to take an unhealthy turn. Anxiety set in so strong that I cried at the thought of my husband leaving for work, screamed at the top of my lungs at him in the driveway for leaving, and sobbed my eyes out in fear when he wasn’t back home right when he should be.
Anxiety and depression are tools of darkness designed to utterly rip your life and the lives of those around you into a million pieces. If you allow it to take root it will destroy a whole family. If left untreated it’s like a rapid spreading mental cancer that seeks to leave no survivors.
My doctor had me on nerve medication and antidepressants since loosing the baby was such a tragic event for us. But, about a month after taking them I’d had enough. At my wits end watching my poor husband suffer through my own grief with me again and again, I decided to go against my doctors orders and stop the medication abruptly.
I heard the voice of God very plainly as I flushed every last nerve pill and antidepressant down my bathroom toilet. God was trailblazing a path for me before my very own eyes could even see it. My mental vision had become so tight-tunneled and dark that I could barely see the light of day. I wasn’t sure why God didn’t want me taking the medication to help, all I knew is that He said, “It’s not for you”. The medication only added to the my issues since it did nothing for me anyhow. But, that day things changed for me. It was still a journey with some rocky patches and deep valleys. But, I was moving instead of lying motionless in a pit of despair and grief.
Grief is a necessary process and we all go through it in various ways. There is no method or formula for which to deal with it. You just have to go through the valley of death of a loved one like any other valley of life. Grief is kind of like walking through a dark forest in the dead of night. Of course you don’t want to do it. But, you have to walk that way in order to make it home. Would you stand in the dark, or would you walk through if the sights and sounds of home became clearer the further you walked? Yes, it’s scary and dark and the paths are crooked and unpredictable, but you would do anything to make it home, right? It’s not a bit enticing, but it’s absolutely unavoidable. Though this inevitable path lies ahead for all of us, we must realize we are never alone.
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me” Psalms 23:4
As I prayed for God’s help, I began having visions of a blonde headed little girl about the age of two running vicariously through a beautiful field of flowers. This brought me great peace that our sweet baby girl was safe in the arms of Jesus. I still didn’t understand why our baby died, and for months I researched every teeny bit of info I could to find to reach the answer. But, regardless of my understanding, I was finally at peace with the fact Kara had passed away.
All of this comes down to one very important point. Without my faith in Jesus Christ, I would have never made it out of one of the darkest times in my life. I know it was His mighty hand and the prayers of those around me who pulled me out. I often say that I don’t understand how people live without Jesus in their lives. If you have no hope, what is the point of living?
One of my favorite scriptures reads this way, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future.”